the beginning

This hardly feels like a beginning, but it truly is. 


It's been 7 weeks that I've been sleeping in this bed alone.  Not making family dinners.  It's been 7 weeks of torture, agony and hell.  7 weeks of a life I never believed would be my own.  But it's a beginning.  Something new is out there.  Something new is happening.  I haven't even begun to understand what that is, but it's something...and it's beginning. 


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Raina says I have an army, and never ever ever stops talking and listening.  Ever.


Cara reminds me to make my bed.


Mom and Dad fight so hard to keep me fighting.  They work together as parents and with their own spouses to rally around me constantly. 


Kelly sits in the quiet and let's me talk and cry and holds me up when I gasp for air.


Theresa always makes sense, always tells me the truth.


Deanna nourishes me with food and prayers.


Melissa shows me strength.  She keeps me from the pain.  She is my sister.


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There are so many others..more than I can count or name here that show unyielding support and love for me.  People I didn't expect to notice, even.  My life is full, even though I feel mostly empty and hollowed out like a jack-o-lantern. 


And then there are my two constants.  My own yin and yang.  The two things that I will never stop living this life for.  Lily.  Connor.  The two heartbeats that make my own flutter.  Those 2 loves are my solid ground.  The only things in this whole world that make me want to smile.  Their love is unending and they deserve so very much.  I strive to show them my best.  My strength, my honestly, my patience, my love and my compassion.  I refuse to give up on anything that builds them up, anything that goes against teaching them how to live lives that are honest, kind, responsible, courteous, respectful and filled with faith, love and understanding.  And I know I'm doing them proud. 


Lily and Connor..someday you will read this and know that you are both what this life is all about.  You are both what I was meant to do. 
You are why I am here. 
I've never been more sure of anything. 


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I've been explaining to people that I'm up on my knees on the dirty bar floor today.  And I am.  In this nightmare, I've been laying down in it, but tomorrow I might make it up to the stool.  And the day after that I might just order myself a beer.  So it's not all downhill. 


In the last 7 weeks, I've taken LC skiing for the very first time.  A major to-do on my list for this life.  I even got in a good hour of ski time myself. 
I got a manicure.
I got my haircut.
I've seen my three dearest faraway friends.. all on my turf.  They all came to hold onto me and fill my cup.
I've been spoiled rotten by amazing friends that didn't have to do anything at all for me and I would still have known I was loved.
My sister has seen me every week, and filled a bed in this house so that I wasn't the only one doing it.
My mom has lifted my chin and looked into my eyes over and over, forcing me to do the hard stuff.
My dad has cried with me, told me he loved me in a million ways and has fought so hard in so many moments in my honor.
I feel like a more patient, present momma...when I'm not an impatient, texting, crying momma.
I have gotten more lovely mail than I can count.
I've had the longest phone call with my Aunt Alice that I've ever had.
I've taken Rylee on cold, winter walks.
I've had fun with friends I haven't had fun with in a long, long time.
I've had nights when I drank beer after beer.
I've had a perfect day alone.


I'll do this.  I have to.  I'm just so thankful that this beginning isn't a beginning at all because of my friends and family..my army.