I'm Trying.
It's all I can say. All I can come up with. It's been such a difficult week. I don't know why..I have ideas, but it doesn't really matter why. I'm so caught up with being sad and miserable and it's like I can't see the good, or don't.
I feel like I'm back on that dirty floor. I think I got up to the stool and ordered myself a beer at some point..but those moments seem so far away now.
My heart literally aches. My body literally feels sore. I don't know what I want or how to make it better. I don't understand why the hard keeps getting harder. But everyone tells me it will get better. How? When? What will make that day or time any better?
I'm not even sure what I want, what I miss or what I'm grieving. It all comes down to the fact that what I want is a real life. I don't want this surreal one that I live in. I wake up every day wondering when I'll feel better. I've never been this sad and broken. And never have I felt such yucky feelings for such an exhaustively long period of time. I wonder when I'll feel happy. I'm not happy, not genuinely happy...ever. I'm always wanting. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty that I'm not content with what I have. I have my health, the health of my babies, and hey..I have two babies. But none of it is in my hands. None of it is how I really want it. How I planned it. I have to give them up every few days, I miss my days with my Connor. He misses them more. I want to cook meals for a family that cares and wants them. I want to do things as a family..but a full family, not just the three of us, with all of us longing for something that isn't the ways it used to be. I want the warm sun on my face, sixty degree days and flip flops on my feet. I don't want to cry fifteen times a day..and I don't want to hold it back in front of my kids or explain to them why my shoulders are shaking and my hands are covering my face. I want to enjoy eating, enjoy time with friends, enjoy my breaks from the kids, enjoy a book, enjoy anything.
I'm grieving my life. How does one do that? How do you get over that your life isn't what you want? Isn't what you picked. No part of it is, except those fluttery heartbeats playing on the floor beside you. You're alone and isolated. You're living a life you don't want. It's excruciating. It's impossibly hard to get over, and more importantly to accept. I'm not accepting it. And I don't know how. All I can embrace is my miserable. My broken heart and my unending sadness. I'm 33. I have 2 kids and no husband. No full time job. No benefits. A house that I love, but am afraid I can't keep. Everything I've devoted myself to is gone. That dream is gone. That family that I clung to isn't there anymore. And it wasn't my choice. I couldn't do a thing to protect it. It's just ripped away.
I won't stop saying it..my hard is no different than anyone else's hard. Life is a hard, hard thing. And this is my hard. This is my mountain. I'm not mad at God. I'm not disappointed in my family or friends. At all. Ever. I'm in love with my L and C. But I'm not my best. Not even close. And I don't know how to get it back. Or if it'll come back.
Raina keeps saying that it doesn't matter how I do it, just that I keep doing it. And she's right, but it doesn't matter to me that she's right. Cause I don't want to keep sitting her like this. I don't want it like this..but it's out of my hands. What he does, what he says...affects me. I don't know how to let it not. I'm not there. Seeing happy families and people telling me that they see my weak..affects me. I don't know how to let it not.
I just don't know how.
I promise I have faith..but right now, it's just a whisper.
We are we. Three. And our superdog, Rylee. Makes us four. Our lives are full and blessed and our goal is always to have fun, be kind and brave, and to love one another.
It's all up to you sweetie. You have a good life, count all of your blessings.
ReplyDeleteYou HAVE a fantastic family of 3....love....friends....dreams....a home....wonderful children......a job....faith.....responsibilities...self-respect......pride....strength....endurance.
What you need?....confidence.....more faith.....vision.....some meals AND THAT BEER :)
What you don't have?.......guilt.....neediness....weakness......and most importantly, dead weight around your neck.
Remember always. You've brightened this world for hundreds of people.....and we're all reflecting that back to you. Soak it in.....and put on your flip-flops. Judge yourself as God intended, not by the actions of one deceitful idiot.
For the future: Dear Lily & Connor, I'm sorry for part of the note above. By the time you read this, you'll already know how wonderful a mom you have and how hard she worked to raise you. Despite our differences at this sensitive time, I will have prayed daily that your dad succeeded in his role as well. Love, Grampa
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through and with flying colors!!! You've always wanted to have a "roadmap" and to not ever stray from that neatly packaged and folded "map" of your life. It's good to have plans and look into the future, but tempered with the knowledge that it is all subject to change. God, and life, never promised you anything, but you need to have that "blind faith" and trust in God that he'll never give you more than you can handle and that in the end it's possible for mch good to come of what you're going through right now. We all have it within ourselves to strive for the things in life that make it worth living. The biggest hurdle, it would seem, you need to get over is ....... the things you don't have and embrace what you do have and push those good things to work in your favor.
ReplyDeleteMuch of what I say has all been said before and may seem trite to you, but know that we're all behind you and want you to know that, besides God, we all have faith in you. The gifts that you possess are wonderful and many. You're a smart woman with a good education and a caring heart.Embrace the future and all the mysteries and wonders it holds for you. Let the painful past slip away.
I could make a very long list of "us" who love you and Lily and Connor. We're in your corner and cheering you on........Listen
I'm rereading The Purpose Driven Life. Have you read it? It's my project for myself for Lent. So much of what I am reading makes me think of you. I'm sorry you feel so low and lost right now. That whisper of faith is stronger than you know, the way I hear you speak about your church and your faith is much different than even one year ago. You WILL pull through, stronger than ever. Use God, use us, in anyway you need. You are loved Peggy!
ReplyDelete